• Every Day

    Wednesday, December 7, 2016 No tags Permalink

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    An excellent read:

    Remind me to always lie with you, but never to you, and that hurt only hurts while it lasts. Remind me to hold hands but never hold back.

    Remind me of love, remind me of heart, and remind me that life will not tear me apart today, but if it tries and when it does, remind me that I’m good enough to be enough for you.

    Remind me that the only way to make it last is to put us first, and remind me that the past is a prelude and pain is a choice, that I’ll get knocked down but I can get up quick, and yes, I’ll get destroyed but I can rebuild again.

    When you see me flailing in rough seas, coughing up lungfuls of dark waves, and I’m thinking I’m sinking because my arms are numb and I can’t feel my legs, remind me with a hushed assurance and a knowing grin, “You’ll drown slower if your chin’s up, friend.”

    Remind me to have faith.

    Remind me why I love you.

    Remind me that the stargaze stares we share and the galaxies we wish to explore are inside, not above, that the paths we long to travel are internal, not foreign, and remind me when my dreams seem lost like faraway lands in disrepair, that you’ll hold my hand and always care.

    Remind me that it’s me you think about when you wish for happily ever after.

    Remind me that not all aches are bad, that black nights still shine light and even in rainstorms or when hail comes and the sky is filled with emptiness we run from, the sun is always out somewhere.

    Remind me that I am filled with light.

    Remind me why your eyes do such funny things to mine and how, sometimes, time stops in the shadow of your smile.

    Remind me that storm clouds are just water up high in the sky, that water is needed, that water gives life, and though it may arrive in drops of sweat or tears of strife, remind me that I can heal.

    Remind me to keep you close but to never go too far, and remind me that even if we feel like a lifetime stopped and stuck in its tracks like a frozen statue of our distant past, even if it feels like pointless paralysis or a beginner’s magic trick, even when we resemble an empty well all out of wishes, remind me it will be okay and already is.

    Remind me that you are strong, and remind me so am I.

    Remind me that you aren’t scared when, can’t run from, won’t hide, and don’t mind my pain when it’s all I know and feel and fear.

    Remind me that we’ll never know how it ends until it does, and even then, it doesn’t because what we have and who we are isn’t something we can just pack up and leave behind, like some kind of shooting star in some cold and fleeting night.

    Remind me how I love getting lost in you.

    Remind me that you are an adventure worth taking and never forgetting.

    Remind me it starts now, today, for always in all ways, and remind me to remind you of this, all of it, always in all ways.

    -Jeremy Goldberg

  • A Song

    Monday, December 5, 2016 No tags Permalink

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    💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

  • Second Sight

    Tuesday, November 22, 2016 No tags Permalink

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    Sometimes, you need the ocean light,
    and colors you’ve never seen before
    painted through an evening sky.

    Sometimes you need your God
    to be a simple invitation,
    not a telling word of wisdom.

    Sometimes you need only the first shyness
    that comes from being shown things
    far beyond your understanding,

    so that you can fly and become free
    by being still and by being still here.

    And then there are times you need to be
    brought to ground by touch
    and touch alone.

    To know those arms around you
    and to make your home in the world.
    just by being wanted.

    To see those eyes looking back at you,
    as eyes should see you at last,

    seeing you, as you always wanted to be seen,
    seeing you, as you yourself
    had always wanted to see the world.

    – David Whyte
    from Pilgrim

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  • Two Chairs

    Monday, September 5, 2016 No tags Permalink

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    This looks heavenly to me. Peace and quiet. Fresh air.  No internet or mobile phones.  Books, music, good company. Two chairs by the fire at night. The moon hung low above the water and a million stars shining brighter than ever before.  A simple, cozy cabin, but with a comfortable bed and a big bathtub. All the better for this:

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  • Ask and It Shall Be Given

    Sunday, June 12, 2016 No tags Permalink

    We can’t ask people to give us something that we do not believe we are worthy of receiving. And you will know you’re worthy of receiving it when you trust yourself above everyone else.” ~ Brene Brown

    If you don’t ask for what you want, you’ll never get it. I struggle with this idea.  The most difficult thing that any of us can do is to simply ask for precisely what we want. It’s so much easier to take what we get—to remain silent about those things that we want or need—because by not speaking up, we aren’t taking the risk that we may be turned down.

    My dear (and wise) friend Sheryl wrote this a few weeks ago, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since then:

    “This week I somehow pulled myself up out of recent months of the burgeoning ennui-funk and fear of uncertainty and fear of loss. Waiting on others/powers-that-be/the universe so that I could react flexibly was an old survival mechanism that was making me feel deep dread and a deep lack of confidence.”

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  • Song

    Friday, May 6, 2016 No tags Permalink

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    I would add :they sing a song only your heart can hear. Because sometimes your heart hears something that your ears cannot. ❤️

    It’s been a long, hard week.  The extent of my plans for the rest of the day include sitting in the sunshine on my patio and reading a book while sipping a glass of wine and running to the market to buy some fresh ingredients for dinner. I do love to cook, I find it to be a fun and creative outlet.  Plus, I really like to eat! 😉

    It doesn’t take much to make me happy– fresh air, sunshinegood conversation, tight hugs, simple and fresh food, and a nice glass of wine. Happy Friday!

  • Throwback Thursday

    Thursday, February 25, 2016 No tags Permalink

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    I came across this picture recently and noted on the back that the date was 1996.  In my mind, the 90s weren’t that long ago. And then it dawned on me that it was 20 years ago. Twenty years?! How can that be? Honestly, when I look at Ian now, I still see this little boy, just a lot bigger. 🙂 it dawned on me that maybe my own parents still see me as the little girl I was, and that helps me understand them so much more.

    I count myself as so lucky to be this cutie’s mom. The doctors told me that I would most likely never have children. I love kids, and would’ve had more if I could have.  My son and I were both lucky to have survived his delivery, and the doctors said I may not be so lucky the next time. So, I count my blessings and thank God every day for my son. Maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll have grandbabies. Hey, I’d be happy with step-grand-babies.  It’s weird to think that my son is the same age as I was when he was born.

     

  • Tiny Living

    Thursday, February 18, 2016 No tags Permalink

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    I am so enamored with this tiny house. I want one just like it (except in my decorating style) someplace outside the city. I want peace and quiet and the privacy to sit in my bathrobe (or less) and sip my morning cup of tea on the back patio in the warm morning sunshine.  I want a little garden so I can grow my own fresh veggies and herbs and the rest of the yard can be wild flowers or other naturalized growth. Grass is a waste of resources and energy. I want bird feeders so I can watch the birds as I sip the aforementioned tea.  I want books and bubble baths.  Long bicycle rides and sunset walks. The only extravagance I’d add would be a jacuzzi on the patio. Because have ever soaked in the hot water on a cool evening and just watched the stars up in the sky? It’s amazing. 

    I don’t want to sit in an office all day for the rest of my life.  It’s slowly sucking away my soul. While I am good at what I do, I don’t like it. I find no satisfaction in it.  What’s that line from a song? “I have seen your nine to fives wash away your dreams.”

    I’d rather write code and work with people, probably seniors, to help them live a healthier, more active life.  I want a simple life.

    I can finally admit that I’d like a companion to share all of this with. I’ve spent most of my adult life alone. I’ve struggled with finally admitting that at times I have been, and sometimes am, lonely. I don’t know why, but I’d rather say that I’m an ax murdered than lonely.  However, I truly enjoy my own company, I know how to take care of myself, and I know how to be alone.  (Hey, I’m an introvert, so at times I need to be alone, or at least around someone who understands introverts. I think introverts are so misunderstood.  For example– introverts aren’t shy!) I realized that all of those things actually makes me pretty damn good company.  The most beautiful part to loving a guarded girl is this: when she lets you in, it’s not because she needs you. She stopped needing people a long time ago. It’s because she wants you. And that – that is the purest love of all.

    I don’t want a lot of money or fancy things. The older I get, the more I realize that it isn’t about material things, or pride, or ego.  It’s about our hearts and who (and what) they beat for.

  • Welcome, New Year!

    Thursday, December 31, 2015 No tags Permalink

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    I love these questions! However, I’m not going to answer them here, because some things are too personal even for my “private” blog. My favorite question is number 5, when did I feel most alive? I think the answer to that question can tell us a lot about what is most important in life. I actually picture this precise moment in my head over and over again, it was that profound.

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  • Strong Women

    Monday, December 28, 2015 No tags Permalink

    A beautiful article by Cat O’Connor. To all the strong women I know, love, and admire. Thank you for the inspiration.

    Be patient with a strong woman, it’s worth the effort

    Yes, she is strong.

    That strength born from facing fear, heartache, challenges and countless obstacles along her path; strength awakened as she found her own way through the storms.

    This strength, built over a lifetime, has become something which defines her — a quality others see and admire, a quality available within all women, within everyone. A quality, and yet, also a defense mechanism, a tool for survival.

    Not everyone finds that strength within, not every woman chooses strength as their tool.

    Other women turn in various directions, draw upon various tools, and may, at times along their journey, allow themselves to break.

    Those others are also her.

    Because she is strong, yet in that strength is weakness.

    Her strength came through the cracks of her brokenness. Behind the mask of strength are more masks — masks of fear and doubt, vulnerability and pain, uncertainty and insecurity.

    The strong woman doesn’t always want to be strong. It can be a heavy weight to continually carry.

    Expectations come with this strength, both from within and from the world around her.

    Know that she’s looking at times for a soft space to land; to let go without judgment, without being told she needs to be fixed. Without being condemned or looked down upon.

    Without being made to feel like she’s failed simply for showing another side of herself.

    Be kind to this woman.

    She’s spent so much time and energy working to build herself up, dig herself out and help herself up that sometimes she’s tired. Sometimes she feels weak. Lonely. Spent.

    She’s become so used to wearing her mask of strength, holding herself up and pushing herself forward that it will take tremendous effort to let it go, to drop her guard.

    Protecting her heart and persevering through have become so second nature to her that she may not even realize that letting go, tapping out, and giving in is what she wants and what she truly needs to do.

    An inner struggle arises: I need to be strong, but I’m afraid to be weak. What will happen if I allow someone in? What will people think if I ask for help or let myself go or allow myself to rest?

    The strong woman’s mind runs wild with those demons she’s been standing strong against. Opening up to vulnerability and uncertainty takes a whole new kind of strength — a form of strength that requires letting others in.

    Letting her walls down and allowing herself to be real; it means actually facing the demons, rather than simply building walls around herself to keep them out.

    Please be patient with a strong woman who crosses your path or joins you on the journey. It may not be easy to love her, but it will definitely be worth the effort. That strong woman will love you fiercely, faithfully and unwaveringly.

    Allow her to let go, and be sure to hold her softly as she lands.

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  • Humanity and Kindness

    Monday, December 21, 2015 No tags Permalink

    imageOh, how I miss this sweet face! So many of my friends have lost their beloved dogs recently. Even though my little girl has been gone almost three years now, it feels more recent.

    I found this quote several years ago, and it always makes me laugh:

    “I would rather have a good, funny loyal dog than a man. It’s taken me a few years to come to that conclusion, and I’m happier for it.” -Anonymous

    Dogs really are so much more loyal and consistent than humans. They’re always there for you, good cuddlers, and excellent listeners. It’s no wonder we love them so much!

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  • Things I Do When I Cannot Hold You {Poetry}

    Tuesday, December 8, 2015 No tags Permalink

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    This morning I wrote your name in the steam on my mirror, even though I knew it would fade within minutes

    In my best notebook I wrote “I miss you” ten thousand times.

    I wrote “I think I am missing one of my ribs”

    I wrote “I envy the way leaves know exactly when to fall from the branches and when to come back in the spring”

    I wrote “Everyone else isn’t you. It turns out that’s a huge problem for me.”

    -Clementine Von Radics

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  • To Drink { Poetry}

    Tuesday, November 17, 2015 No tags Permalink

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    I want to gather your darkness
    in my hands, to cup it like water
    and drink.
    I want this in the same way
    as I want to touch your cheek –
    it is the same –
    the way a moth will come
    to the bedroom window in late September,
    beating and beating its wings against cold glass,
    the way a horse will lower
    his long head to water, and drink,
    and pause to lift his head and look,
    and drink again,
    taking everything in with the water,
    everything.

    -Jane Hirschfield

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  • Don’t Go Far Off {Poetry}

    Monday, July 27, 2015 No tags Permalink

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    Don’t go far off, not even for a day, because —
    because — I don’t know how to say it: a day is long
    and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
    when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

    Don’t leave me, even for an hour, because
    then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
    the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
    into me, choking my lost heart.

    Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
    may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.

    Don’t leave me for a second, my dearest,

    because in that moment you’ll have gone so far
    I’ll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
    Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

    -Pablo Neruda

     


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  • Time

    Sunday, July 26, 2015 No tags Permalink

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    Time is precious. Spend it doing what makes you happy and spend it with someone who makes you happy.

    Simple enough, right?

    I used to think that doing nothing was a waste of my precious time. Now that I’m older (and hopefully a little bit wiser) I realize that sometimes doing nothing is essential. Today was one of those days. I puttered around the house, I read, I thought I listened to music, and I listened to the rain outside my window. It was exactly what I needed to do. It wasn’t the day I had planned for myself. I had a “productive” day in mind: chores, errands, gym. But after logging 12 hours in the gym since Monday, my body rebelled and not-so-subtly reminded me that I’m not 30 anymore. I needed rest– mind, body and soul. One of the good things that comes with life experience is knowing when to push yourself and when to recharge.

  • Make a List

    Monday, June 29, 2015 No tags Permalink

    Make a list

    A little secret about me: I love lists. Sometimes I add an item to my to-do list just so I can cross it off. 🙂 Yeah, I’m weird.

    I figured out that if I waited for the big vacation, the dream house, or the happily ever after marriage to be happy daily life was going to pretty damn miserable. So I learned to cultivate joy and pleasure in my daily life instead. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still like to take fun vacations and have a great spouse, but until that happens I’m still going to be happy.

    Things to be happy about:

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  • It’s Been a Great Week

    Saturday, June 27, 2015 No tags Permalink

    Knock, knock
    I’m so happy about yesterday’s SCOTUS decision. Between the Affordable Care Act ruling & the Marriage Equality ruling it is a SHIT week to be a conservative but an awesome week to be a decent human being. 😉
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    What an eloquent and beautifully written decision. “In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than the once were.” For so long, I didn’t really see it that way. I had such a terrible experience in my marriage that I couldn’t begin to understand why anyone would want to be married. For nearly a decade, my life was a living hell. Why would I want to sign up for that again? I didn’t. And after I got divorced, I did trust anyone. Worst of all, I didn’t trust myself. I had mis-judged my ex-husband’s character so badly that I constantly second-guessed myself. It’s taken me years and lots of work on myself, but I can finally respect the idea of marriage because I have seen the good side of it again. Many of my gay and lesbian friends have been with their partners for 10,15, and even 20 plus years. Now they have equal dignity under the law. It’s about damn time.

    June 12, 2015, marked the 48th anniversary of Loving v. Virginia, the Supreme Court decision that invalidated interracial marriage bans. My son and I were talking about that today. It seems unfathomable to us that such a short time ago two people of a different race couldn’t  marry.  It’s my hope that some day in the near future young people will say the same thing about same-sex marriage.


    I was crying like a baby by the end of this video. Can you imagine waiting 55 years to marry the love of your life? These two have been together longer than I’ve been alive. How anyone can say that they’re against this is beyond me. Love wins.

  • Beauty and Melancholy

    Friday, February 27, 2015 No tags Permalink

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    Expert in the “side eye” for 45 years and counting! Even as a newborn baby I had a hint of that impish grin of mine, the one that says “I’m enjoying what this world is throwing at me”. I still have it, and if you know me well, you just might get a glimpse if that grin.

    It was my birthday yesterday and one of my co-workers asked if I was 34 and holding. Hell, no. I own each and every one of my years. I agree with the quote “Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.” I am blessed with each day I’m given. I don’t regret any of them, even the bad days. They’re brought me to the place where I am. I’m content. I’m sitting here in the sunshine, reading a book. It doesn’t take much to make me happy because I’ve learned to appreciate that small joys in life. That’s the beautiful wisdom that comes with age. No, my life isn’t perfect. It never will be. That’s okay. There are things I want to change, and most of them will come, will time and effort on my part. I’m a glorious work in progress, like all of us.

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