In the morning when you wake up, reflect on the day ahead and aspire to use it to keep a wide-open heart and mind. At the end of the day, before going to sleep, think over what you’ve done. If you fulfilled your aspiration, even once, rejoice in that. If you went against your aspiration, rejoice that you are able to see what you did and are no longer living in ignorance. This way you will be inspired to go forward with increasing clarity, confidence, and compassion.
I love that thought from Pema Chodron. My aspiration for a wide-open heart got obliterated this evening. My son is moving to his own place tomorrow, and he’s very excited. I’m excited for him. I offered to rent a small moving truck for him to make it easier. He said that he didn’t need it, as he could borrow his father’s truck. My son had all the logistics of it planned out, down to a timeline, because that’s how he is. Today Jefe (his father’s nickname) told him that he can’t use his truck tomorrow, but maybe he can Saturday. Sigh. Normally, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal. However, my son has had an entire lifetime of broken promises and shirked duties from his father. That man’s word is worthless, and I can’t imagine how disappointing it must be to be constantly let down by your parent. It angers me more than anything in this world to see my son hurt this way. And there’s not a thing I can do about it. That kind of habitual promise-breaking makes you lose your trust in people in general. I know that firsthand, because that’s what it did to me. It’s rare (and difficult) for me to ask for help because I just figure it’s a safer bet to do it yourself instead. It’s made me fiercely independent, but that can be exhausting sometimes.
I have the situation tomorrow fixed for my son, because that’s what I do. I’ve always tried to be as good as gold with my word, or break my back trying to do so. I know that doesn’t make up for the lack when it comes to his father, but I hope it sets a good example for my son and shows him that some people really do keep their promises. Maybe one day we’ll both be able to trust in that. 🙂
The good thing is that I do have the clarity to stop and see why this makes me so frustrated. I struggle to find compassion for someone who hurts my child, but it know that someone who does such things is actually a very hurt and sad person himself.
September 11, 2014
And “Jefe” has not changed. But the a leopard can’t change its spots can it? Hugs to you for being the better parent who always comes thru….but how can Ian be old enough to be on his own
September 14, 2014
Sandy, I know you remember how it was with him years ago. It’s hard to believe how grown up our kiddos are now. Time passes so quickly.
September 12, 2014
And for this reason God gave the task of childbirth to mothers not fathers!
September 14, 2014
That’s true, Ruthie. But there are so many great dads out there, mine included. I am blessed to have a great dad and luckily my son has spent lots of time with him.