Every Single Woman, Every One

Sunday, October 9, 2016 Life, Thinking No tags Permalink

“By now many of you have probably heard the tape or read the transcript of the conversation between Donald Trump and Billy Bush. Some people are dismissing it as “guy talk” and “locker room banter.” Let’s be clear: Calling this “guy talk” is an insult to all of the good men and boys out there. This is what rape culture looks like and sounds like. And Billy Bush’s laughing along is also what rape culture looks like. I was raised by a republican and a democrat. This is NOT about politics. There are millions of good men who would never demean women and girls like this.” -Brené Brown

Make no mistake, ladies. Trump may be the face of your rapist, but Pence is every judge who made sure he got away with it.

Ever since I listed to the recording, so many thoughts about it have been swirling around in the back of my brain. If Trump was a black man, he’d be called a thug. But because he’s a rich white man, it’s labeled “frat boy behavior”. What? And people are all up in arms about his lewd language. It’s not the language we should be convened with, it’s his deeds. He is describing being a sexual predator. If you left the crude words out and still described the same behavior, it’s still horrible.

Trump’s absolute sense of entitlement is appalling. He truly believes he can kiss and grab whomever he wants because he’s “a celebrity”. He uses his power and his position to impose himself on women. He is vile beyond belief and I cannot bring myself to call him a man, because no real man treats women this way.

It seems like some people don’t know the difference between being a player and sexual assault. Being a player means engaging in consensual sex without commitment and with an accumulation model. It’s what we mean when someone says they “scored.” You can have whatever feelings you like about casual sex. As long as everyone involved knows what’s happening and enthusiastically consents, I think it’s an essentially neutral activity that sounds exhausting.

But that’s what admitted sexual predator Donald Trump doesn’t understand: when other people engage in “locker room talk” they’re talking about consensual sex but using a scoring mindset, which is kind of gross, but isn’t rape. I think a large number of admitted sexual predator Donald Trump’s stooges don’t understand the difference because they don’t have a lot of experience with enthusiastic consent that isn’t based in expectations of stability. In other words, if sex and bodies are just fodder for capitalism, then there is no actual difference at all between rape and saying yes to conform to societal expectations.

So this filth is admitting to sexual assault and the people defending him are doing so because they don’t experience a difference between desire and expectations. Living in a closed system removes choice. I’d feel bad for them that their worlds are so limited and bleak, except that they’re actively trying to hurt me.

I also think a lot more women feel this way than I realized. This is the leap of logic that allows someone to be angrier at Hillary Clinton for staying with a cheating partner than they are at a sexual predator. They’re angry at her because she won (from a capitalistic view) even though she was the victim. This is some deep, deep stuff about worth and value and expectations.

This whole thing has been a huge trigger for all women who have suffered from sexual assault. Some statistics say that 3 out of 4 women have suffered sexual assault. We’ll never know the true numbers, because in our “rape culture” the burden of shame for the victim is do great. And as one woman recently said, “I can’t imagine who the fourth girl/woman is, because she’s no one I know.”

So, if you’re a man a reading this and think this doesn’t apply to you, think again. You may want to believe that it doesn’t affect you, but it does. Think of your wife, your daughters, your mother, your sisters. Sadly, odds are most of them have been sexually assaulted at some point in their life. They just didn’t tell you. Because of shame. Because of disbelief. Because they didn’t want you to think less of them, even though they did nothing wrong. Also, men, you need to talk to your sons about consent, about appropriate behavior, about respect. Have that talk early and often.

I was thinking that it isn’t good for me to get so upset about this. But what really isn’t good for me, or any of us, is to live in a culture that makes light of sexual assault. Maybe we all need to get angry about it so we can make a change. This has to stop.

My son and I watched the recording together this weekend. I’ve always had a very open dialogue with him and wanted to discuss it further. After the video ended, my son said, “Mom, it’s not even like he’s talking as if he’s a better person than these women he’s discussing. It’s as if he doesn’t even consider these women to be human. They’re simply objects there for his own pleasure and entertainment.”

Mark one down in the parenting win column for me. ✔️

If you’ve never watched this video, take a few minutes and consider what it would be like if the roles were reversed.